There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
