the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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