Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
