Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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