Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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