Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
