I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
