so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
