i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
