I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
