i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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