i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
