then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
