walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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