You're so nebulous sometimes
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
