then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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