wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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