Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
