I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
