If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
