Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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