you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
