My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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