I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
