nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You can't just leave with hair like that
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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