Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
