Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
