First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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