What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
