A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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