i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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