He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
