Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
