I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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