Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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