im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
