dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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