remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
babies were throwing up all over the place
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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