last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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