Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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