Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
