I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
