saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
