I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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