those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
