we're making bets on your personal life
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
