i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
