eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
