what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
