i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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