hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
