i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
