The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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