Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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