come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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