Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
