sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
