just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
