I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
