I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
