the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
