So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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