I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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